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Speechless

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“Essentially, if our secrets are secrets because we are told to be ashamed, then we must share them. There is no shame in being sad or struggling or trying to heal.”

– Warsan shire

My mind has been playing tricks on me lately. Today I feel more listless than ever. I don’t want to say I am depressed because that is a lot but I am not doing amazing either. I am failing at life, literally. I have been for a while. But I have been repressing it and adulting as best as I can until the other weekend something happened and things have spiraled to the point that I am writing this. (Calm down this is not a suicide note)

The thing about almost depression (that’s what I am calling it) is that it leaves me speechless. It takes all of the words out of me and leaves me isolated. I want to say something, I want to participate, I want to get things done but I can’t. It makes me feel selfish because I can feel most of my friendships deteriorating because there is little to no communication from my end. I mean we are all going through something but I am missing out on birthdays, engagements, breakups and all of that because I have lost enthusiasm for life.

The other day I was about to delete my whatsapp to go on one of my usual self-isolation benders, then I got an ultrasound of the baby. My heart has never felt so full, I had no idea I could feel so much love and protectiveness for someone I had never met. My point is I almost let almost depression rob me of this beautiful moment. I decided then to at least be available for that and all the other beautiful things that people feel like sharing with me.

I don’t choose to feel like this, frankly I am a bit embarrassed to admit that I am a sad girl (for the moment at least,I am too grown for this) I don’t choose to miss out on life. I am a dreamer and I am highly ambitious (ok maybe highly is stretching it). Most of this almost depression stems from failing to achieve my goals which leads to less motivation and less self-application. It is a paradox really. The other things that have contributed to this post today I can’t share because someone is worried about my oversharing coming to bite me in the butt.

If I had it my way I would sleep better, I would be a better big sister, a better friend and maybe even someone worth dating.
I would get drunk and jump into the pool in the middle of the night( I truly love doing this), I would show up with wine and cheese and or ice-cream for hand holding that anyone in my life needed.

I would listen better, I would be genuinely interested in people and things, I would take charge of my life etc etc.

But it’s okay because even though my spirit has been compromised I know it is indestructible. Funny and sarcastic Xa will sneak up on me when I least expect it. lol who am I kidding I know I need to take steps to start feeling better.

Thanks for reading

Ps: if you know me in real life, I really don’t want to talk about it.

Written by

Xa

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