Spread the love

“Essentially, if our secrets are secrets because we are told to be ashamed, then we must share them. There is no shame in being sad or struggling or trying to heal.”

– Warsan shire

My mind has been playing tricks on me lately. Today I feel more listless than ever. I don’t want to say I am depressed because that is a lot but I am not doing amazing either. I am failing at life, literally. I have been for a while. But I have been repressing it and adulting as best as I can until the other weekend something happened and things have spiraled to the point that I am writing this. (Calm down this is not a suicide note)

The thing about almost depression (that’s what I am calling it) is that it leaves me speechless. It takes all of the words out of me and leaves me isolated. I want to say something, I want to participate, I want to get things done but I can’t. It makes me feel selfish because I can feel most of my friendships deteriorating because there is little to no communication from my end. I mean we are all going through something but I am missing out on birthdays, engagements, breakups and all of that because I have lost enthusiasm for life.

The other day I was about to delete my whatsapp to go on one of my usual self-isolation benders, then I got an ultrasound of the baby. My heart has never felt so full, I had no idea I could feel so much love and protectiveness for someone I had never met. My point is I almost let almost depression rob me of this beautiful moment. I decided then to at least be available for that and all the other beautiful things that people feel like sharing with me.

I don’t choose to feel like this, frankly I am a bit embarrassed to admit that I am a sad girl (for the moment at least,I am too grown for this) I don’t choose to miss out on life. I am a dreamer and I am highly ambitious (ok maybe highly is stretching it). Most of this almost depression stems from failing to achieve my goals which leads to less motivation and less self-application. It is a paradox really. The other things that have contributed to this post today I can’t share because someone is worried about my oversharing coming to bite me in the butt.

If I had it my way I would sleep better, I would be a better big sister, a better friend and maybe even someone worth dating.
I would get drunk and jump into the pool in the middle of the night( I truly love doing this), I would show up with wine and cheese and or ice-cream for hand holding that anyone in my life needed.

I would listen better, I would be genuinely interested in people and things, I would take charge of my life etc etc.

But it’s okay because even though my spirit has been compromised I know it is indestructible. Funny and sarcastic Xa will sneak up on me when I least expect it. lol who am I kidding I know I need to take steps to start feeling better.

Thanks for reading

Ps: if you know me in real life, I really don’t want to talk about it.

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